When It Rains.....

They (who ever they may be) always say that when it rains, it pours. I would really appreciate it if it would calm down with the pouring stuff for just a little while.

I don't know where he and I are headed in our future and I really don't know if there really is one but all I know is that I can't take much more.

I hate feeling the way that I feel, like whatever he tells me isn't the truth. For example: I ask "How was your night?" "It was bad, someone stole all of the rent money out of my wallet.". Well in my head I'm freaking out because that was an entire paycheck down the drain also how did they take all of the money out and not take the wallet. Another thing, his night consisted of playing poker, did he lose all of the money? I just don't know what to think.

I didn't sleep last night, got out of bed super early and came over to Panera (my old home) to sit and think about what to do. I also came to see people that I haven't seen in a long time and it actually made me feel much better seeing people that I used to spend so much time with. I just don't know how to proceed from here.

I'm not really sad because money is really only money, I'm just upset because I don't know if he took the money and gambled it or if it was indeed stolen.

So, I didn't wake him, I just left a note stating that I was going to clear my head and that I was going to spend some time with my dad. I do love him, more than I've ever loved anyone; it just hurts because I don't know how to feel about the money.

Home Again!

We are finally home!!! We got here about a week ago and it's been really great in most ways, but kindof terrible in others.

I've gotten a chance to see my entire family & hang out with all of my friends and that has been amazing but that time to spend with friends has started to revert me back to my old self. I act more stupid, annoying, shy, bitchy..whathaveyou. Anyway, he almost broke up with me over it because I haven't been acting the same...true, I can't lie.

Anyway, we should be home for a few week, or days haha.

Honestly

So, I knew that this new life that I started with him would be stressful but I didn't realize how uncertain it would be. We were in all preparations to go home when I got a message stating that we could be getting extended again up here which is completely fine except for the fact that I had two jobs and now I don't have one at all. It's driving me insane.

I obviously love the kid, I wouldn't be doing any of this if I didn't but ugh. The porn shit is getting old, I'm not going to say anything anymore but it makes me feel like he wants it more than me...retarded.

Ugh.

Lately I have been terrified of being pregnant..so dramatic.. I still don't know if I am or not but I'm trying not to stress out about it because if I do turn out to be pregnant that is truly what is supposed to happen in my life. It is still really scary.

So, I got fired from the store today because I don't have enough retail experience, which is okay because we are moving away next week anyway.

Stressed out! I don't know where we are going next..Kentucky, Virginia...home..who knows. It might be scary to some but I'm actually not scared about moving around it makes life more fun..the scary part is the beginning sentence of this post.

I'm a little bit sad today. I have no idea where my life is going. I had two jobs at the beginning of this week now I don't have any. Sometimes I feel like I don't do anything..in reality I know that I do but it's still scary and fairly depressing.

7 months

We celebrated our 7 month anniversary a couple of days ago..crazy.  More has happened in the past 7 months than the past 7 years before him. I got to thinking and I truly believe these have been the best 7 months so far in my life. I've done so many things outside of my comfort zone that it freaks me out sometimes (in a good way).

There have been some bad things and bad times along our short road but everything happens for a reason and I am so very proud =).

Family

My grandparents got in on Thursday the 15th and it is currently Monday the 19th and they are driving me nuts. I love that they came up here, I love that I got to spend my birthday with the three people that mean the most, and I love that they get to be away from the home drama for awhile..but damn they can get on my nerves...I think that they be the only people that can annoy me as much as they can.

Today is their last whole day here so I really want to show them everything that I can..I'm sad to see them leave tomorrow but on the bright side we will be home again in two weeks so it isn't that long without them.

His contract got dropped so we will be departing back to Jax on Sept 30th..it's bittersweet because that means I have to quit two jobs but it's ok. I miss home and the apartment and I know that he does too. SO DUUUVAL is in the near future for us.

24th Birthday!

So as the title states it is my 24th birthday! Since we moved away from home and our families my priorities have been less on myself and more on our lives and our future. Today is all about me again! My grandparents got in yesterday and I literally have not been so happy in my entire life. We walked into their room and we were both attacked with hugs and kisses, it was so great.

Today I'm taking my grandparents around town so we can shop and so they can see the most of the city before they have to leave.

I'm thinking that I will take them to the mall, the thrift store, walmart, target, blue moose, my store....

Tomorrow...His soccer game,  Prescott Park, walk around the town again,  the shipyard, Hampton Beach, bowling...

Sunday...dunno haha.. I'm so happy they're here!

F

Fuck the past.

Fuck depression.

Fuck esteem.

Fuck haters.

Fuck how I feel right now.

Slackin'

I've been slacking the past few days. I could say that I've been working a lot and that I've been really busy but I really haven't.

I have however been doing a lot of thinking about everything. I have to call my apartment complex and break the lease. Makes me really sad since it was my first home and it hurts to see it go but I know that if I want to stay with him and keep my life going ahead then it must be done.

I've been working almost every night at the store, it's pretty boring but I do get to see really great clothes, meet great new people, and work on my modeling.

Modeling...so I posted some pictures on modelmayhem.com and have been getting bookings a ton so far..I haven't gone to any because I'm scared to but still. haha...who knows.

Josh started talking to me again yesterday, I haven't talked to him in a good 5 months, it was weird talking to him again. It makes everything so much harder talking to him again. I don't love him anymore, I love Kellen but still it's always going to be a little bit hard knowing that I broke his heart. Tears still come to my eyes when I think of Josh, not because I'm not with him anymore or because he had my heart at one time but because we did have some good times and I did just throw it all away in one single conversation. I didn't give him a chance at all. Well I did, I gave him years of chances but still.

If I ever have to end a relationship again (I hope that I don't ) I will end it the right way with the least amount of pain.

I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy, to move on, to live my life the way that I should be living it; with no regrets or sadness. The past happened, the future will happen, and today has to be the best that I can possibly make it. I can't cry over spilled milk from years ago.

Hurricane

We move to New Hampshire to suffer through a hurricane? I'm pretty sure that Florida is supposed to be the capital for hurricanes..but I guess it followed us.

We got drunk last night..not a good idea. We talked about everything. I told him that I know that Meghan will always be his one girl just like I will be the one that got away for Shane and Josh. He agreed with me...I instantly started crying. It made me feel so bad because I honestly know that there won't really be a chance for me to have all of him. It's even worse because he IS the guy for me. I have never felt this way before, I have changed my entire life to be with him, to make him happy, to make this relationship work. He loves me..sure..but it doesn't change how my heart kinda hurts because she hurt his so much.

He is a funny drunk though, that I must say. Yelling about how much he loves popcorn haha.

Work

Yesterday was my first day at the store. LOVE IT!!! I modeled some of the clothing to put up on the store's facebook page, I organized all new inventory, and I even went to the bank and made a huge deposit for her. She said that she is super excited to have me and that she knows it is going to work out really well.

When I got home I got to thinking, why don't I try to be a model on the side? I'm super skinny, I can fit into anything, and I think I'm pretty. People have told me my entire life that I should model and so now I'm going to try it out and see what happens. I have submitted my pictures to a few websites and agencies and now I'll see what happens.

I told him that I wanted to maybe try and model and he didn't really care he just said to do what makes me happy. He did ask if I would do nude modeling or lingerie modeling which I won't because my body isn't good enough. He said that it's great but he's obviously prejudice because I'm his. So that's the current endeavor for now. Getting my foot in the door with the Wear House and see how much modeling I can get done there and also to get my name out there and see what happens.

On a different note, I told him that even though this is a small shop job, it makes me very happy and I want to move here now because I have found something that I think I can grow with. He said that he's glad that I'm happy and the next step is for him to find a job here at the shipyard. I don't think that he really wants to do that. That's the hard part, I have found something that could be my new career..or at least move up to that and he may want to travel..I just don't know what to do. For now we'll just live day by day and try to be the happiest we can be.

Just one of many...

I always seem to have something to rant about, and they are usually about the same three things.

So porn is a pet peeve of mine. He uses my Ipod and when I went to use it last night YouPorn was the first thing on it. REALLY? Not only do you know that I hate porn, but you look at it on MY Ipod, you must have lost your mind. So I told him that while his mom was here and we couldn't have sex I completely understood him looking at porn and ya know....other stuff but now that we're alone again and he has me to do with what he pleases that he shouldn't have to look at it. It actually makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job in the bedroom so he has to go take hour long showers with his best hand friend to make up for what I lack. So even after telling him all of that and him saying that I'm enough and that I do everything great there was porn on it again this morning!!!! I give up, I'm not going to let it hurt my feelings anymore, it has nothing to do with me..he just wants to do what he wants to do and I don't have any say in it.

Another rant I have is that while his mom was here I listened to her bitch about how much money he owes everyday. Well when she left I made a notebook and wrote everything down for him. He looked at it this morning, threw it across the room and make a huge fuss about how he's not paying all of it. THEY'RE HIS BILLS, HIS DEBT! I must be missing something. Thank God I got a job.

My patience is gone when it comes to money with him. I got a job and every penny that I will make there will go to pay my bills back at home just so I don't have to hear "I'm not going to use all of my savings to pay for a useless apartment in Florida" I don't want to still pay rent either since we're not living there but why don't you make me feel a little bit more like shit about it. Yeah I appreciate that.

Ugh, he always says that he doesn't mind paying my bills for me and stuff but I care and I don't want money to become an even bigger issue than it already is. Over it.

Lastly, I got the job that I REALLY wanted :) I made a celebratory dinner last night, got beer, just made an overall nice night for us..he didn't care. I think from now on I will have to make ME happy and just make sure I'm ok.

"Cause you know that you’re so cold"

Lil Wayne 6'7"

Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
Excuse my charisma, vodka with a spritzer
swagger down pat, call my shit Patricia
Young Money militia, and I am the commissioner
you don't want start Weezy, 'cause the F is for Finisher
so misunderstood, but what's a World without enigma?
two bitches at the same time, synchronized swimmers
got the girl twisted 'cause she open when you twist her
never met the bitch, but I fuck her like I missed her
life is the bitch, and death is her sister
sleep is the cousin, what a fuckin' family picture
you know father time, we all know mother nature
it's all in the family, but I am of no relation
no matter who's buying, I'm a celebration
black and white diamonds, fuck segregation
fuck that shit, my money up, you niggas just Honey Nut
Young Money running shit and you niggas just runner-ups
I don't feel I done enough, so I'ma keep on doing this shit
Lil Tunechi or Young Tunafish
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
I'm going back in
okay, I lost my mind, it's somewhere out there stranded
I think you stand under me if you don't understand me
had my heart broken by this woman named Tammy
but hoes gon' be hoes, so I couldn't blame Tammy
just talked to moms, told her she the sweetest
I beat the beat up, call it self defense
swear man, I be seeing through these niggas like sequins
niggas think they He-Men, pow, pow, the end
talking to myself because I am my own consultant
married to the money, fuck the world, that's adultery
you full of shit, you close your mouth and let yo ass talk
young Money eating, all you haters do is add salt
stop playing, bitch, I got this game on deadbolt
mind so sharp, I fuck around and cut my head off
real nigga all day and tomorrow
but these muthafuckas talking crazy like they jaw broke
glass half empty, half full, I'll spill ya
try me and run into a wall, outfielder
You know I'ma ball 'til they turn off the field lights
the fruits of my labor, I enjoy 'em while they still ripe
bitch, stop playing, I do it like a king do
if these niggas animals, then I'ma have a mink soon
tell 'em bitches I say put my name on the wall
I speak the truth, but I guess that's a foreign language to y'all
and I call it like I see it, and my glasses on
but most of y'all don't get the picture 'less the flash is on
satisfied with nothing, you don't know the half of it
Young Money, Cash Money
paper chasing, tell that paper, "Look, I'm right behind ya"
bitch, real G's move in silence like lasagna
people say I'm borderline crazy, sorta kinda
woman of my dreams, I don't sleep so I can't find her
you niggas are gelatin, peanuts to an elephant
I got through that sentence like a subject and a predicate
yeah, with a swag you would kill for
money too strong, pockets on bodybuilder
jumped in a wishing well, now wish me well
tell 'em kiss my ass, call it kiss and tell
Word to my mama, I'm out of my lima bean
don't wanna see what that drama mean, get some Dramamine
llama scream, hotter than summer sun on a Ghana queen
now all I want is hits, bitch, Wayne signed a fiend
I played the side for you niggas that's tryna front, and see
son of Gunz, Son of Sam, you niggas the son of me
pause for this dumber speech, I glow like Buddha
disturb me, and you'll be all over the flow like Luda
bitch, I flow like scuba, bitch, I'm bald like Cuba
and I keep a killer ho, she gon' blow right through ya
I be macking, 'bout my stacking, now I pack like a mover
shout to ratchet for backing out on behalf of my shooter
niggas think they high as I, I come laugh at your ruler
Cash Money cold, bitch, but our actions is cooler
Wayne, these niggas out they mind
I done told these fuck niggas, so many times
that I keep these bucks steady on my mind
tuck these, I fuck these on your mind, pause
to feed them, on my grind, did I get a little love?
keep throwing my sign in the middle
hit 'em up, piece on my side, 'cause ain't no peace on my side, bitch
I'm a man, I visit urinals abroad
Tune told me to, I'm shooting when the funeral outside
I'm uptown, thoroughbred, a BX nigga, ya heard?
Gunna

HIM

Thank you for supporting me no matter what I choose to do. It may be something dumb, it may be something extravagant, or you may just know that it'll fail. It means a lot to me that you have my back no matter what and that you're honest. I love you very much and I hope that you always know how grateful I am to you.

;)

I'm so excited! I got the job at the vintage boutique. The interview was so unconventional; the owner and I walked around downtown Portsmouth and just talked about fashion, music, and life in general. I told her that I really love it here so far and hopefully this job will help me love it even more by branching out and meeting new people. I'm so happy that I got the job I really wanted just by being myself and not by being someone else. I'm also glad that I'll be making my own money ($10 per hour), even though it's only for a few days a week. I get to be completely myself at this new job. I'm so stoked.

Bitter Sweet

His mom left today. I complained the entire time she was here (18 days) but now that they just left for the airport, it's a bit lonely. You would think I would be having a small party inside of my head but yeah..I'm not.

I started working on the marketing job yesterday for fire department inspections but I still don't really know if it's something that is entirely legit. He did send me a trifold pamphlet with his information and his partner's but still, it's kinda weird. He just put me to work without asking any questions and then told me that we would have a sales meeting on Friday (two days away) to figure out how to market the inspection team. I have no problem doing any of it, it's pretty simple but I just don't want to waste my time doing it and it turn out to be nothing.

On the other hand, I go to the vintage store at 2:45 today to meet with the owner!!! Hopefully that means that I have that job in the bag because that is the one that I really want. Even if Liberty Mutual eventually works out, I can still do this job on the weekends.

It's too early for this. I'm tired, didn't sleep, I look like shit, blah blah blah. Today should be interesting to say the least though...three job offers isn't half bad.

CHOICES!!!!

I revamped my resume a few days ago and reposted it last night. I also walked into a vintage clothing store the other day and have a lunch date with the owner tomorrow afternoon. So back to the resume...I have two offers..to work for Liberty Mutual as an executive or to work as a freelance marketing assistant for the New England Fire Department. They are all actually really good choices. I have already started work on the marketing job because the dude is going to pay me up front in a lump sum and from there I can be promoted to a marketing exec. could be a great thing. I have always wanted to work in a vintage clothing store and it kills me because I might not get to so I think I'm going to take both jobs. If for some reason Liberty Mutual calls me back too....oh my god..then what? I will have to drop one of them. Maybe I can just tell the marketing guy that I can only finish this short contract thing and then I will have to move back to FL. I just can't pass up LM or the vintage place....money does talk though.

The sad part about all of this is is that I haven't told Kellen ANYTHING yet. Granted LM is up in the air and so is the vintage place but I figure since I'm going to lunch with her tomorrow I think I'm in. We shall see but I don't like using his money anymore, it's starting to bother me...I feel like a bother in general...I probably shouldn't because I do a lot for him but still, everyone wants their own money.

Maybe I can do all three jobs. The marketing stuff at night, the vintage place on the weekends, and LM during the week....$$$$$$ I think I could probably manage it...then I could save $$$

Ugh so many choices!!! I'm really glad though. Let's just see what the man says.

Insane

So, I'm really not sure if PMS is really kicking my butt or if he is starting to lose his mind. He forgets everything. Random forgetfulness is fine and dandy but forgetting an ENTIRE weekend kinda sucks. We had sex last night for the first time in a long time and this morning I made a comment about it and he looked at me like I had lost my mind. He completely did not remember having sex at all. Awesome.

His mom goes home early, early tomorrow morning. I'm scared that when she leaves his issue, whatever that may be, will get worse. It's pretty bad that I've wanted her to leave since the day she got here and now I'm scared that he is going to go downhill. I don't know what to do.

I love him but there are A LOT of things that we have to work out.

*cross fingers*

Hm

The past few days have been pretty up and down. He's been spoiling me; new purse new clothes, money everyday, and he always asks what I want. All I really want is for us to not fight and four our life to grow smoothly. I make it sound terrible but it's not the only part of him that I don't like is that he's not sexual enough and I guess I either deal with it or workwith him on it.

Last Rant

Ok. I have my own car in Florida, Lucy Lou who I love to death. I have my own car insurance in my own name but my mom is the registered owner of the vehicle. If I have ONE more fucking thing about the goddamn car I swear I will scream and tell her to shove it where to sun don't shine. I got the worst attitude with her earlier because she was arguing with my own car insurance company...are you fucking kidding me. STOP SCHEMING, STOP BEING CRAZY, STOP TREATING YOUR 23 YEAR OLD SON LIKE HE'S 5!!!!  If she wasn't leaving in a few days I don't think I would be able to handle it. I really dont....

HELLO KITTY!!!

I am a Hello Kitty freak and I would love to own everything related however...there are somethings that are ridiculous...(I still kindof want them though)

Love this ^^^^^^^^

So I pretty much take all of my previous statements back...I want all of theses things!!! Especially the contact case, the beer, and the wine :)

What is truly going on here?

This past weekend has been pretty great. We took his mom out to Portsmouth and we went to a really nice dinner and a really cute shopping spree. He bought me many things and you really can't buy me, you can't buy love but sometimes it's just nice to be pampered.

Last week I found out that his ex-fiancee Meghan is now married. I felt like he needed to know, whether it made him sad or angry. He took it pretty well, I guess as anyone would that found out the girl they lost found someone else forever. I told him yesterday that I hoped that one day I could be the only girl that has his heart, I mean truly have have his heart..no response from him...well maybe one day. I can understand that she was the girl he fell for and that she was the one that he really wanted but I know that I'm extremely important to him.

He and I we went to Hampton Beach last night just to blow off steam, get some drinks, and play arcade games. We drank on the way down there and that was fun..but when we got there he got into a sullen mood. I tried my best to act like an idiot so that he would laugh or something but he just kinda looked at me and forced a smile. I then joked with him about having sex in the car (since his mom is here) and he thought it was funny. Later on he was angry that I kept bringing up sex. I also asked him why he gets so sad sometimes, why he looks so depressed at odd moments and why his eyes look so full of pain. He said that he's not sad but I know that he is because his mom isn't doing very well. There are many things that I know about her that he doesn't because she doesn't want to worry him but it hurts my heart because I don't know what I would do if it was my grandma.

The last conversation of yesterday was that I wasn't going to bring sex up again, I told him "I'm always here if you want me". Which is very selfless of me since there are two people in a relationship, not one. It just makes life a little bit easier because he gets so annoyed.

I put in a job application in a vintage boutique yesterday *cross fingers* !!!

$$$

We went to the submarine museum thing yesterday and he showed me the inside of the sub. The tiny bunks, the tiny kitchen, the engine room etc. Made my heart hurt that people have to live inside of them for months at a time..it's disgusting. I don't think one's mind can ever come back from that. When we were near the engine room he said that he was sitting there when they were told that they were going out to sea sooner than anticipated. He told me that that was the patrol that his life was ruined. He finally admitted to me why he did everything he did in the Navy. He said that Meghan had 90% to do with his fall from grace, that she hurt him more than he thought anyone could. I then told him that she's married now. I told him that I was hesitant to tell him because I didn't want to hurt him. He told me that he didn't care, that she was a long time ago and everything is fine now.

I also made the point to tell him that I love him very much and that everything he does I am proud of him.

Here comes the obnoxious part.

I had to ask him for $200 yesterday so that I could go grocery shopping and get some stuff before his mom goes home. At first he said yes that's fine, then a few hours later he asked me why I needed that much and that food doesn't cost that much and that I don't need all of that. He finally gave it to me but still. Then I told him that for my birthday I want a Keurig, which is kinda expensive but that's all I want. He said no. WTF. After bitching about not having any money he then wanted to buy a brand new Droid. Are you joking? Even though I made a point to say many times that I hate asking him for money, he said he didn't mind...if you really don't mind..you don't act that way.

I love him, I really do but I need to find a job so that I don't have to depend on him at least monitarily.

RANT

So his mom has been here for 10 days visiting us..um...

Her being here has thrown off our personal routine, we don't kiss that much, we don't have sex (the one time we did she snooped), and we don't have any real alone time. It is just a phase that will pass and it really isn't a big deal but....

He looks at porn and jerks it all the time now! I guess I'm just ranting because my period is approaching and because I wish I could have sex with him ugh and I know that I can't until she leaves in 7 more days. I guess porn annoys every girl so I know I'm not the only one that feels this way but I just can't bring myself to say anything to him because it is SO stupid. It's a dumb self-esteem problem..."oh, well if he's looking at porn, he obviously doesn't want me" or "the girls in the videos he watches are way prettier or better than me". I know neither one is true and I know that he only does it because we can't act the way we would like to but still I would like to walk up and say to him "just because we can't have sex it doesn't mean you can jerk it all the time when I'm sitting here dying". A bit dramatic but whatever.

I miss my family, I miss my friends, and I miss Jacksonville. It gets worse everyday; I wake up and think that it will be better but as the day goes on I just get more sad. He comes home so tired and all I want to do is let him sleep and go to the airport to fly home. I truly thought that since the first month was good that I wouldn't be homesick at all, it's actually worse than I thought. I feel stifled, sad, empty. I don't want him to know how bad it is because I know that he will just send me home and I really don't know if he and I will be ok after that. I would like to think that everything will work out just fine between us, that our relationship is worth all of this hardship and lonliness but sometimes I just really don't know. I don't bring up sex anymore because it annoys him, I don't bring up home because he will just fly me back and that will be the end, I don't talk about my family because he just gets annoyed with them as well, so I pretty much don't talk about much of anything anymore.

I do love the kid, if I truly didn't I would be back in Florida as we speak, but since I do love him I am willing to deal with all of the pain of being homesick and deal with the stifled, sad feeling just so that this relationship could potentially work.

Vows

Last night we went into Portsmouth for dinner. The Portsmouth Brewery with tons of beer of course hah..or one and one half for me, kinda like tons. So he talks a lot when he drinks and he said "don't take this the wrong way but when I was walking out to the car today I thought 'if I were to marry this girl, what would I say as my vows'". Hmm. It was really sweet, definitely not ready for that but it was still really cute.

On the other hand. I'm sure down in the dumps today. During dinner he told me that he almost left me a few times because I wasn't over Josh and Shane was still talking to me. Forgive me for not being perfect. Granted I should have known better. When we got home after dinner he was talking about Leslie and how much he loved her and how absolutely gorgeous he thought she was, blah blah blah. It did hurt my feelings a lot because I feel like I can't compete with that. Even though I'm not married with two kids, I have two college degrees, and I moved up here with him....but still she was the prettiest girl at Snyder and I was by far not. It makes me really sad and honestly I don't even want to get out of bed today.

I feel like I've done everything to make him happy, to make our relationship work but sometimes I still don't feel good enough. I still feel like the ugly duckling who he can leave at any minute. Now that he has his life back on track I'm afraid that he will rethink our relationship and send me home. That would break me into a million tiny pieces and I don't know how I could be ok with that. I really am stronger than this, I really do have more going for me than sitting here wallowing in "what if he leaves me" thoughts, but right now...it's my biggest fear.

Homesick

I miss Florida so much. I really thought that I would never miss that miserable state, but...I would pretty much start walking home now I miss it so much.

The next location could possibly be Austin, TX and Samsung could be the next job for him. At least it would be back in the south and not in the butthole north. I hate New Hampshire...it's just not the south.

I started crying last night because I miss home so much and his response was to offer me a plane ticket home. I feel like if I went home I would be leaving him and I don't want that at all.

His mom is super sick and he's afraid that she is going to die before he sees her again so he is flying her up here to stay with us to see Tom Tam. Not to be selfish here but he works all the time and I will be in the two room hotel suite with her 24/7. Not ideal, but I can't go home.

B.R.O.K.E.

I have never been so broke in my entire life. I have no money, just quit my job today (I would rather be broke than work for Panera Bread for another hour), and I have tons of bills to pay.

I was so irresponsible with my money and now I have to face not having any at all. I'm forced to ask for help...awful..

The intense job hunt starts today.

There's no one else beside you

SO much has happened in the past three months; it's almost hard to process it all.

Got out of Panera, and found a job that actually might get me somewhere.
Broke off a 4 year engagement.
Started a new relationship.
Moved into my own place.
My mom is completely sober.
She's dating Jack and is totally and completely happy.
Graduated college.

Let me just say that I just found out today how sober and happy my mom really is and I just found out a lot about her new relationship with Jack. I couldn't be happier for her, the only reason I'm sad at all is that damn house. Hilliard makes me so terribly sad. I grew up there and even though I couldn't be happier that I don't live there anymore, it makes me horribly sad to look around the house that I grew up in and feel all of those old feelings. My mom said to forget all the sadness and don't have any regrets and I agree with her but you can't turn off memories.

I don't know if Kellen and I will work out, I want us too obviously but I'm trying to stay as positive about he and I as I can and as independent as I can. I don't linger on the phone, I don't ask him tons of questions, I don't text him asking what he's doing a million times a day. I just let things happen. I want trust to actually matter for the first time ever. I trust him but if he hurts me, it's over. I've done too much for him for him to do something to break my trust.

I cried a lot today, on and off. There are so many memories in Hilliard and so much drama with my family that it's hard for someone new in my life like Kellen to understand. When I get sad like that I just want to call Shane, Rachel, or Josh because I know that they will understand but I know that the best person I should be calling is my boyfriend, Kellen. I need him to understand what I've been through, how much my family means to me, but also, how crazy and messed up they actually are. There really isn't any good way to describe it to someone who has no idea especially to not make me look emotionally unstable. Maybe one day he might be ready to deal with it all. But not now, at least I don't think.

I dunno

I don't want to do anything. So tired, so lazy.

This past week has been rather odd. Last Sunday, Mother's Day, the condom broke...so almost Mother's Day for me..so went on EC. Wednesday same thing. I feel like shit. Utter shit. I've never been so tired. Kellen has been pretty cool through the whole thing, he's been supportive and understanding. He would do anything for me if I asked him to, I just don't really ask anything of him. I want to try to be as independent as possible, especially since we've only been dating for three months. I've never been treated so well by someone and it's really nice but on the other hand, he has an attitude that matches mine and so when I get upset about something he gets upset because I'm "overreacting" or "complaining".What the fuck.

I'm not crazy, I refuse to be controlling, I refuse to let my heart get into this anymore than it already has until I know that this is something that is true. I thought the past 8 years of relationships were true and they obviously weren't so I want to make sure this time. I think he could be the one, but I'm so scared of making a life with him and then it just ends. I can't do that again.

I'm alone in the apartment a lot more lately. I mean I work all week and he's here and then when I get home he leaves to go see his friends. Not every night mind you, but probably 4 out of 7. Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday afternoon. We live together and I feel like I don't see him that much. I dunno I am just being selfish, I think I just need to make a point to see my friends more.

? ? ? ?

So, I'm pretty sure that I was just told by Kellen Troino that he thinks and feels like we will be together forever.  He said that he can see us having kids and getting married someday. I guess that's how every guy talks in a new relationship because he's just saying what he thinks that girl wants to hear but since he doesn't even say I love you, and has yet to even say it for the first time. Anyway, it's very nice to hear that he thinks about our future because for awhile there I thought I was the only one who thought we were going to make it in the long run. I thought I was the only one who can see he and I walking down the aisle one day and that I can see him being the father of my children. It's weird to think about because those things are very far ahead in the future but I guess talking about it every now and then proves that we're both serious.

Omission

Since I've been the queen of lies, cheating, and omission in all of my past relationships it would only make perfect sense that the first honest relationship I'm trying to have karma has to come and bite me in the ass. I am afraid of getting cheated on but mostly about being lied to about it first.

Don't try to hide things from me because I will find out. I don't care if you smoke, dip, whatever. However when you say you were discharged from the navy because of an injury and I come to find out that it is because of a less than honorable discharge due to a DUI then I will be upset. Why hide something like that from someone who obviously cares about you, would do anything for you, and would make sure you're alright. Why hide that for any reason? Be honest because in the end what else is there.

So, what next? It's not fair for one person to be completely honest and the other to be kind of honest, about some things. I can't ask someone to change and I can't ask for every detail of someone's life to be told to me, however, it's all been a lie so far. Small, stupid lies. Omission, detachment, stupid.

I fell too hard, too fast. I moved too far too fast. I wish I had listened and slowed things down. I just can't help that he actually means something to me. It just sucks that he can't be honest. I understand why he doesn't want me to know but it's not fair for me not to since I've given my all into this relationship.

Moving on.

As I have mentioned many times before, I am moving out soon and getting my OWN place! I couldn't be more freaking excited. I am going to start packing boxes today and it is going to be an absolute bitch, but it's going to be entirely worth it.

Kellen is still sick with mono and has been asleep all day which is okay because I have tons of stuff to get done today.

My grandparents are giving me $500 for graduation which is going towards a new washer and dryer form my apartment (or I should start saying Kellen and I's apartment).

I sent out graduation announcements this morning, it make me feel like I was sending out highschool announcements, time has literally flown by and I can't believe that I graduate real college in two weeks. It's amazing.

Kellen has started his work with the insurance stuff for my job. He will or should have a Florida insurance license by the end of next week which is the same time that he will meet my boss and be with me at conference...12 hour days ugh.

I'm so excited that I have found him and I'm excited that my life is going so wonderfully right now. Of course there are many negatives...Rachel hates every choice I have made in the past two months, fuck her. Erica doesn't like them either, fuck her too. I don't have many friends anymore and the ones I do have they aren't even that close to me.

I guess friends don't really matter when you have the strength inside yourself to get through what you need to get through.

:)

Today:

Signed the application and paid the fee for my first apartment!!! I have saved up enough money to finally move out on my own!!!

Found out that the convention for work will be great because Kellen will be with me :)

Moving out a week before I graduate college!!!!!!!!

Stress anyone?

I'm pretty stressed out lately.

The Walls Are Broken Down

Halo by Beyonce

Remember those walls I built

Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound


I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now


It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out


Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace


You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away


I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light


I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again


Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out


Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace


You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away


I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo


Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace


You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

⚜ ☮ ❤ ✿

I'm driving Kellen's car home today because I hit a median this morning and he was worried about my car being unsafe so he drove all the way over here to give me his car and take mine to get it fixed (there's nothing wrong with it). That's something I have never had before, someone care about something so small and stupid but so big at the same time. I am so happy that someone cares about me, about every aspect of me, and worries about my safety (other than family).

I can't wait to move away with Kellen and start a real life with him, not a living-with-my-family life. I will drain my savings and literally starve to death to do it. Last night was a breaking point for me; my mother is a loon and should be put away sometimes. I can't deal with her anymore especially when I have proven that I WILL be something someday but evidently that doesn't really matter.

My job is a cluster. I'm being taken advantage of. I do way too much work for them, I should be getting paid much more but it's a start and it's going to be a really great reference one day. I'll be rich in a huge house with a housekeeper and someone to go grocery shopping for me while I get my nails done. Yeah, that's what this shit is all about.

So, I'm a little worried about being pregnant. It's always been a worry for me no matter what. This time though I was less than careful. It's weird though, if by some horrible chance that it were to actually happen I think life would still go on and be okay. I already feel like Kellen has my back and wouldn't let anything happen to me. I think that he would be an amazing father and with him I would be an amazing mother. Granted, I still don't know if I want kids EVER, but if it does happen I feel the most comfortable with him on the subject. Weird.

Snyder's Class of '06 5 year reunion is coming up. Hahaha. The world will shit when Kellen and I walk in together. Can't wait for the pure mayhem! :) I'm so happy it's ridiculous.

Blah

"I never told you what I should have said, I never told you, I just held it in".

Next time, when I feel the need to say what I feel, I will hold it in. Being told "I might feel the same way, it's just way too soon and I've been hurt in the past" is like being told um, thanks but no.

My heart is broken a little right now but I guess its my own fault for letting my heart get so involved so early.

I've done so much for him just because I want to, because I care. I never really thought about showing him that I love him by doing all of the things that I do, I just do them because he deserves it and for him to say that he might feel the same hurts me more than it really should. I'm numb right now because I feel so dumb for doing so much....perhaps for nothing.....I don't know.

I want to be able to detach. To just be in the moment. Hate this.

I like you

It's like a little piece of heaven when you stay.....

Now I know the sun will only shine, the clouds will go away, that's how you make me feel, that's how you make me feel today....

You're like a little piece of candy on my tongue...so much fun...

I think I like you...I think you like me too....

Let's keep dreamin and wishin this way, growing up stoned, takin enough time to play.

Love is all that matters at the end of the day...that's how you make me feel...

Thank you for making me feel this way...

Jeezaas

Can life just chill out for awhile. Seriously?

Whirlwind of stuff going on and I think I'm handling it pretty well but somethings I just have to brush off because I think I'll lose my mind. Some of those mind losing things are as follows:

Kellen. The whole love obsession that I had awhile back (if he doesn't tell me that he loves me then I'll lose my mind) is finally over. I've figured out that the love thing will inevitably make things more complicated and right now I could live without more complications. He is a great guy and I really think things will work out with him but I have to keep a level head, keep moving forward, and understand that he doesn't make my world turn; I do. Things will eventually move in that general direction, or at least I feel that they will but I'm gonna chill and do what is best for me and for us.

He goes in tomorrow to take a test for a really great job. The job entails 14 weeks of out of town training. When he told me that I immediately had a panic attack because I hate being away from my significant other but also because we have to push back moving into an apartment together because I can't be alone in an area that I don't know very well for that long. Another aspect of the job is that he could be gone for up to a week on service calls. It sucks; however the job is a good one and I think everything will work out. I just have to get my freaking out complete.

School is another HUGE issue. I am going to graduate school but when, where, & how are the big questions. If Kellen decides that he is going to go to UF in a year and a half for nuclear engineering he would have to move to Gainesville and so would I. Well, I could postpone starting school right away and go there to get the MBA which would be a better option in the long run. Or, I could just get it now and have it done when that time actually comes. I don't know. How am I supposed to pay for school? Money blows. How am I supposed to pass the GMAT and GRE? They are so hard and I suck at test taking, it's awful.

I guess that's all of the whirlwind. Except for the job aspect which I really couldn't care less about. I do what I'm supposed to and then sit and do nothing until some other random task comes along. Whatever.

Angry

Why do people talk so much? Just shut your mouth, if you have something to say you don't have to tell the entire world.

Yeah, I moved on. Get over it.

I absolutely hate it when people think they know me and they don't at all, they only know what they think is the truth. Well, I'm not even asking for the benefit of the doubt, all I want is for everyone to just shut up and leave me alone.

I always pictured my life a certain way and I guess I never thought it would actually happen. I saw myself with the picture perfect husband, children, career, house, etc. I'm scared to death because it might happen much sooner than I thought.

I have found someone that makes me want to be a better person, to fight a stronger fight, to be fearless. I don't have any doubts, at all actually. I think the fact that there aren't any doubts scare me more than anything because I can't find anything negative.

I had a dream last night that I told Kellen that I love him. We were about to go to sleep and I said "I love you". I realized what I had said and was just got really quiet. He said don't worry, I might feel the same way. Then he said "I love you too". It was as simple as that but it was so real. I don't know why I am putting so much emphasis on those damn words because words don't matter, actions matter.

Dayum

I'm not crazy, obsessed, stupid, etc. I just hate hurting people and I want to heal their pain even if it hurts me.

I have finally found happiness in everything. In myself, in my job, my family, and in someone special. I don't want to jeopardize any of that.

I feel stupid for my actions as of late but I don't regret any of them, it just is what it is.

Times are a' changin

I don't think anything else could change in my life right now.

Within the past month I have gotten a new "big girl" job, broke off an engagment, found a new boyfriend, found myself, and found what it means to be treated right.

I feel so much differently about life. There are so many options out there and I should not have wasted the past four years on someone that didn't treat me the way that I deserve. I will never forget him and he was the love of my life for a time, but that time was gone years ago. I can remember when he meant the absolute world to me, I would do anything for him, and now I can't stand to hear his voice, I can't stand to have a simple conversation with him because I know that he is NOT the man that I thought he was. He was nothing special, he was to me at some point in the past four years but not anymore. I don't regret the past, I just wish I had seen what was happening to me and to him.

I have now found a new guy: Kellen Troino. My highschool crush, of all people. He came into my life when I was at my lowest. I had just gotten a great new job and Josh couldn't care less about it, no support, no celebration. I celebrated alone. He has done more for me in the past two weeks than Josh did in four years. He is everything in a guy I have ever looked for, but I guess everyone says that in the beginning. I am trying to find the negative aspects of him, I am looking for something that I don't like and I come up with nothing. I'm not going to say that he's the one, or that I love him, or that I can see us being together forever because those are simply words and they mean nothing. I have said all of those things before and in the end, when it comes down to it, they don't mean anything at all. Actions are what truly matters. I want to treat him like I want to be treated, I want to stop cussing like a sailor, I want to take care of myself, I want to do my best in school for him (well for me too but to show him that he's pushing me). I can see the possibilities between he and I and I want to see what happens, I just don't want to say anything or do anything until I am really ready not because time frames or because someone else says it should happen. He makes me so very happy, I feel alive again, I feel the fire that I missed so much. I feel like I can do anything and all of the motivation that I lacked before is back. I don't care what other people think, I only care about my own happiness and his. In the end, I have stopped caring about everyone else...the only ones that matter are the ones that have always been there no matter what and the fairweathers will never mean anything again.