Jeezaas

Can life just chill out for awhile. Seriously?

Whirlwind of stuff going on and I think I'm handling it pretty well but somethings I just have to brush off because I think I'll lose my mind. Some of those mind losing things are as follows:

Kellen. The whole love obsession that I had awhile back (if he doesn't tell me that he loves me then I'll lose my mind) is finally over. I've figured out that the love thing will inevitably make things more complicated and right now I could live without more complications. He is a great guy and I really think things will work out with him but I have to keep a level head, keep moving forward, and understand that he doesn't make my world turn; I do. Things will eventually move in that general direction, or at least I feel that they will but I'm gonna chill and do what is best for me and for us.

He goes in tomorrow to take a test for a really great job. The job entails 14 weeks of out of town training. When he told me that I immediately had a panic attack because I hate being away from my significant other but also because we have to push back moving into an apartment together because I can't be alone in an area that I don't know very well for that long. Another aspect of the job is that he could be gone for up to a week on service calls. It sucks; however the job is a good one and I think everything will work out. I just have to get my freaking out complete.

School is another HUGE issue. I am going to graduate school but when, where, & how are the big questions. If Kellen decides that he is going to go to UF in a year and a half for nuclear engineering he would have to move to Gainesville and so would I. Well, I could postpone starting school right away and go there to get the MBA which would be a better option in the long run. Or, I could just get it now and have it done when that time actually comes. I don't know. How am I supposed to pay for school? Money blows. How am I supposed to pass the GMAT and GRE? They are so hard and I suck at test taking, it's awful.

I guess that's all of the whirlwind. Except for the job aspect which I really couldn't care less about. I do what I'm supposed to and then sit and do nothing until some other random task comes along. Whatever.

Angry

Why do people talk so much? Just shut your mouth, if you have something to say you don't have to tell the entire world.

Yeah, I moved on. Get over it.

I absolutely hate it when people think they know me and they don't at all, they only know what they think is the truth. Well, I'm not even asking for the benefit of the doubt, all I want is for everyone to just shut up and leave me alone.

I always pictured my life a certain way and I guess I never thought it would actually happen. I saw myself with the picture perfect husband, children, career, house, etc. I'm scared to death because it might happen much sooner than I thought.

I have found someone that makes me want to be a better person, to fight a stronger fight, to be fearless. I don't have any doubts, at all actually. I think the fact that there aren't any doubts scare me more than anything because I can't find anything negative.

I had a dream last night that I told Kellen that I love him. We were about to go to sleep and I said "I love you". I realized what I had said and was just got really quiet. He said don't worry, I might feel the same way. Then he said "I love you too". It was as simple as that but it was so real. I don't know why I am putting so much emphasis on those damn words because words don't matter, actions matter.

Dayum

I'm not crazy, obsessed, stupid, etc. I just hate hurting people and I want to heal their pain even if it hurts me.

I have finally found happiness in everything. In myself, in my job, my family, and in someone special. I don't want to jeopardize any of that.

I feel stupid for my actions as of late but I don't regret any of them, it just is what it is.

Times are a' changin

I don't think anything else could change in my life right now.

Within the past month I have gotten a new "big girl" job, broke off an engagment, found a new boyfriend, found myself, and found what it means to be treated right.

I feel so much differently about life. There are so many options out there and I should not have wasted the past four years on someone that didn't treat me the way that I deserve. I will never forget him and he was the love of my life for a time, but that time was gone years ago. I can remember when he meant the absolute world to me, I would do anything for him, and now I can't stand to hear his voice, I can't stand to have a simple conversation with him because I know that he is NOT the man that I thought he was. He was nothing special, he was to me at some point in the past four years but not anymore. I don't regret the past, I just wish I had seen what was happening to me and to him.

I have now found a new guy: Kellen Troino. My highschool crush, of all people. He came into my life when I was at my lowest. I had just gotten a great new job and Josh couldn't care less about it, no support, no celebration. I celebrated alone. He has done more for me in the past two weeks than Josh did in four years. He is everything in a guy I have ever looked for, but I guess everyone says that in the beginning. I am trying to find the negative aspects of him, I am looking for something that I don't like and I come up with nothing. I'm not going to say that he's the one, or that I love him, or that I can see us being together forever because those are simply words and they mean nothing. I have said all of those things before and in the end, when it comes down to it, they don't mean anything at all. Actions are what truly matters. I want to treat him like I want to be treated, I want to stop cussing like a sailor, I want to take care of myself, I want to do my best in school for him (well for me too but to show him that he's pushing me). I can see the possibilities between he and I and I want to see what happens, I just don't want to say anything or do anything until I am really ready not because time frames or because someone else says it should happen. He makes me so very happy, I feel alive again, I feel the fire that I missed so much. I feel like I can do anything and all of the motivation that I lacked before is back. I don't care what other people think, I only care about my own happiness and his. In the end, I have stopped caring about everyone else...the only ones that matter are the ones that have always been there no matter what and the fairweathers will never mean anything again.