There's no one else beside you

SO much has happened in the past three months; it's almost hard to process it all.

Got out of Panera, and found a job that actually might get me somewhere.
Broke off a 4 year engagement.
Started a new relationship.
Moved into my own place.
My mom is completely sober.
She's dating Jack and is totally and completely happy.
Graduated college.

Let me just say that I just found out today how sober and happy my mom really is and I just found out a lot about her new relationship with Jack. I couldn't be happier for her, the only reason I'm sad at all is that damn house. Hilliard makes me so terribly sad. I grew up there and even though I couldn't be happier that I don't live there anymore, it makes me horribly sad to look around the house that I grew up in and feel all of those old feelings. My mom said to forget all the sadness and don't have any regrets and I agree with her but you can't turn off memories.

I don't know if Kellen and I will work out, I want us too obviously but I'm trying to stay as positive about he and I as I can and as independent as I can. I don't linger on the phone, I don't ask him tons of questions, I don't text him asking what he's doing a million times a day. I just let things happen. I want trust to actually matter for the first time ever. I trust him but if he hurts me, it's over. I've done too much for him for him to do something to break my trust.

I cried a lot today, on and off. There are so many memories in Hilliard and so much drama with my family that it's hard for someone new in my life like Kellen to understand. When I get sad like that I just want to call Shane, Rachel, or Josh because I know that they will understand but I know that the best person I should be calling is my boyfriend, Kellen. I need him to understand what I've been through, how much my family means to me, but also, how crazy and messed up they actually are. There really isn't any good way to describe it to someone who has no idea especially to not make me look emotionally unstable. Maybe one day he might be ready to deal with it all. But not now, at least I don't think.

I dunno

I don't want to do anything. So tired, so lazy.

This past week has been rather odd. Last Sunday, Mother's Day, the condom broke...so almost Mother's Day for me..so went on EC. Wednesday same thing. I feel like shit. Utter shit. I've never been so tired. Kellen has been pretty cool through the whole thing, he's been supportive and understanding. He would do anything for me if I asked him to, I just don't really ask anything of him. I want to try to be as independent as possible, especially since we've only been dating for three months. I've never been treated so well by someone and it's really nice but on the other hand, he has an attitude that matches mine and so when I get upset about something he gets upset because I'm "overreacting" or "complaining".What the fuck.

I'm not crazy, I refuse to be controlling, I refuse to let my heart get into this anymore than it already has until I know that this is something that is true. I thought the past 8 years of relationships were true and they obviously weren't so I want to make sure this time. I think he could be the one, but I'm so scared of making a life with him and then it just ends. I can't do that again.

I'm alone in the apartment a lot more lately. I mean I work all week and he's here and then when I get home he leaves to go see his friends. Not every night mind you, but probably 4 out of 7. Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday afternoon. We live together and I feel like I don't see him that much. I dunno I am just being selfish, I think I just need to make a point to see my friends more.

? ? ? ?

So, I'm pretty sure that I was just told by Kellen Troino that he thinks and feels like we will be together forever.  He said that he can see us having kids and getting married someday. I guess that's how every guy talks in a new relationship because he's just saying what he thinks that girl wants to hear but since he doesn't even say I love you, and has yet to even say it for the first time. Anyway, it's very nice to hear that he thinks about our future because for awhile there I thought I was the only one who thought we were going to make it in the long run. I thought I was the only one who can see he and I walking down the aisle one day and that I can see him being the father of my children. It's weird to think about because those things are very far ahead in the future but I guess talking about it every now and then proves that we're both serious.

Omission

Since I've been the queen of lies, cheating, and omission in all of my past relationships it would only make perfect sense that the first honest relationship I'm trying to have karma has to come and bite me in the ass. I am afraid of getting cheated on but mostly about being lied to about it first.

Don't try to hide things from me because I will find out. I don't care if you smoke, dip, whatever. However when you say you were discharged from the navy because of an injury and I come to find out that it is because of a less than honorable discharge due to a DUI then I will be upset. Why hide something like that from someone who obviously cares about you, would do anything for you, and would make sure you're alright. Why hide that for any reason? Be honest because in the end what else is there.

So, what next? It's not fair for one person to be completely honest and the other to be kind of honest, about some things. I can't ask someone to change and I can't ask for every detail of someone's life to be told to me, however, it's all been a lie so far. Small, stupid lies. Omission, detachment, stupid.

I fell too hard, too fast. I moved too far too fast. I wish I had listened and slowed things down. I just can't help that he actually means something to me. It just sucks that he can't be honest. I understand why he doesn't want me to know but it's not fair for me not to since I've given my all into this relationship.