We move to New Hampshire to suffer through a hurricane? I'm pretty sure that Florida is supposed to be the capital for hurricanes..but I guess it followed us.
We got drunk last night..not a good idea. We talked about everything. I told him that I know that Meghan will always be his one girl just like I will be the one that got away for Shane and Josh. He agreed with me...I instantly started crying. It made me feel so bad because I honestly know that there won't really be a chance for me to have all of him. It's even worse because he IS the guy for me. I have never felt this way before, I have changed my entire life to be with him, to make him happy, to make this relationship work. He loves me..sure..but it doesn't change how my heart kinda hurts because she hurt his so much.
He is a funny drunk though, that I must say. Yelling about how much he loves popcorn haha.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Work
Yesterday was my first day at the store. LOVE IT!!! I modeled some of the clothing to put up on the store's facebook page, I organized all new inventory, and I even went to the bank and made a huge deposit for her. She said that she is super excited to have me and that she knows it is going to work out really well.
When I got home I got to thinking, why don't I try to be a model on the side? I'm super skinny, I can fit into anything, and I think I'm pretty. People have told me my entire life that I should model and so now I'm going to try it out and see what happens. I have submitted my pictures to a few websites and agencies and now I'll see what happens.
I told him that I wanted to maybe try and model and he didn't really care he just said to do what makes me happy. He did ask if I would do nude modeling or lingerie modeling which I won't because my body isn't good enough. He said that it's great but he's obviously prejudice because I'm his. So that's the current endeavor for now. Getting my foot in the door with the Wear House and see how much modeling I can get done there and also to get my name out there and see what happens.
On a different note, I told him that even though this is a small shop job, it makes me very happy and I want to move here now because I have found something that I think I can grow with. He said that he's glad that I'm happy and the next step is for him to find a job here at the shipyard. I don't think that he really wants to do that. That's the hard part, I have found something that could be my new career..or at least move up to that and he may want to travel..I just don't know what to do. For now we'll just live day by day and try to be the happiest we can be.
When I got home I got to thinking, why don't I try to be a model on the side? I'm super skinny, I can fit into anything, and I think I'm pretty. People have told me my entire life that I should model and so now I'm going to try it out and see what happens. I have submitted my pictures to a few websites and agencies and now I'll see what happens.
I told him that I wanted to maybe try and model and he didn't really care he just said to do what makes me happy. He did ask if I would do nude modeling or lingerie modeling which I won't because my body isn't good enough. He said that it's great but he's obviously prejudice because I'm his. So that's the current endeavor for now. Getting my foot in the door with the Wear House and see how much modeling I can get done there and also to get my name out there and see what happens.
On a different note, I told him that even though this is a small shop job, it makes me very happy and I want to move here now because I have found something that I think I can grow with. He said that he's glad that I'm happy and the next step is for him to find a job here at the shipyard. I don't think that he really wants to do that. That's the hard part, I have found something that could be my new career..or at least move up to that and he may want to travel..I just don't know what to do. For now we'll just live day by day and try to be the happiest we can be.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Just one of many...
I always seem to have something to rant about, and they are usually about the same three things.
So porn is a pet peeve of mine. He uses my Ipod and when I went to use it last night YouPorn was the first thing on it. REALLY? Not only do you know that I hate porn, but you look at it on MY Ipod, you must have lost your mind. So I told him that while his mom was here and we couldn't have sex I completely understood him looking at porn and ya know....other stuff but now that we're alone again and he has me to do with what he pleases that he shouldn't have to look at it. It actually makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job in the bedroom so he has to go take hour long showers with his best hand friend to make up for what I lack. So even after telling him all of that and him saying that I'm enough and that I do everything great there was porn on it again this morning!!!! I give up, I'm not going to let it hurt my feelings anymore, it has nothing to do with me..he just wants to do what he wants to do and I don't have any say in it.
Another rant I have is that while his mom was here I listened to her bitch about how much money he owes everyday. Well when she left I made a notebook and wrote everything down for him. He looked at it this morning, threw it across the room and make a huge fuss about how he's not paying all of it. THEY'RE HIS BILLS, HIS DEBT! I must be missing something. Thank God I got a job.
My patience is gone when it comes to money with him. I got a job and every penny that I will make there will go to pay my bills back at home just so I don't have to hear "I'm not going to use all of my savings to pay for a useless apartment in Florida" I don't want to still pay rent either since we're not living there but why don't you make me feel a little bit more like shit about it. Yeah I appreciate that.
Ugh, he always says that he doesn't mind paying my bills for me and stuff but I care and I don't want money to become an even bigger issue than it already is. Over it.
Lastly, I got the job that I REALLY wanted :) I made a celebratory dinner last night, got beer, just made an overall nice night for us..he didn't care. I think from now on I will have to make ME happy and just make sure I'm ok.
"Cause you know that you’re so cold"
So porn is a pet peeve of mine. He uses my Ipod and when I went to use it last night YouPorn was the first thing on it. REALLY? Not only do you know that I hate porn, but you look at it on MY Ipod, you must have lost your mind. So I told him that while his mom was here and we couldn't have sex I completely understood him looking at porn and ya know....other stuff but now that we're alone again and he has me to do with what he pleases that he shouldn't have to look at it. It actually makes me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job in the bedroom so he has to go take hour long showers with his best hand friend to make up for what I lack. So even after telling him all of that and him saying that I'm enough and that I do everything great there was porn on it again this morning!!!! I give up, I'm not going to let it hurt my feelings anymore, it has nothing to do with me..he just wants to do what he wants to do and I don't have any say in it.
Another rant I have is that while his mom was here I listened to her bitch about how much money he owes everyday. Well when she left I made a notebook and wrote everything down for him. He looked at it this morning, threw it across the room and make a huge fuss about how he's not paying all of it. THEY'RE HIS BILLS, HIS DEBT! I must be missing something. Thank God I got a job.
My patience is gone when it comes to money with him. I got a job and every penny that I will make there will go to pay my bills back at home just so I don't have to hear "I'm not going to use all of my savings to pay for a useless apartment in Florida" I don't want to still pay rent either since we're not living there but why don't you make me feel a little bit more like shit about it. Yeah I appreciate that.
Ugh, he always says that he doesn't mind paying my bills for me and stuff but I care and I don't want money to become an even bigger issue than it already is. Over it.
Lastly, I got the job that I REALLY wanted :) I made a celebratory dinner last night, got beer, just made an overall nice night for us..he didn't care. I think from now on I will have to make ME happy and just make sure I'm ok.
"Cause you know that you’re so cold"
Lil Wayne 6'7"
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
Excuse my charisma, vodka with a spritzer
swagger down pat, call my shit Patricia
Young Money militia, and I am the commissioner
you don't want start Weezy, 'cause the F is for Finisher
so misunderstood, but what's a World without enigma?
two bitches at the same time, synchronized swimmers
got the girl twisted 'cause she open when you twist her
never met the bitch, but I fuck her like I missed her
life is the bitch, and death is her sister
sleep is the cousin, what a fuckin' family picture
you know father time, we all know mother nature
it's all in the family, but I am of no relation
no matter who's buying, I'm a celebration
black and white diamonds, fuck segregation
fuck that shit, my money up, you niggas just Honey Nut
Young Money running shit and you niggas just runner-ups
I don't feel I done enough, so I'ma keep on doing this shit
Lil Tunechi or Young Tunafish
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
I'm going back in
okay, I lost my mind, it's somewhere out there stranded
I think you stand under me if you don't understand me
had my heart broken by this woman named Tammy
but hoes gon' be hoes, so I couldn't blame Tammy
just talked to moms, told her she the sweetest
I beat the beat up, call it self defense
swear man, I be seeing through these niggas like sequins
niggas think they He-Men, pow, pow, the end
talking to myself because I am my own consultant
married to the money, fuck the world, that's adultery
you full of shit, you close your mouth and let yo ass talk
young Money eating, all you haters do is add salt
stop playing, bitch, I got this game on deadbolt
mind so sharp, I fuck around and cut my head off
real nigga all day and tomorrow
but these muthafuckas talking crazy like they jaw broke
glass half empty, half full, I'll spill ya
try me and run into a wall, outfielder
You know I'ma ball 'til they turn off the field lights
the fruits of my labor, I enjoy 'em while they still ripe
bitch, stop playing, I do it like a king do
if these niggas animals, then I'ma have a mink soon
tell 'em bitches I say put my name on the wall
I speak the truth, but I guess that's a foreign language to y'all
and I call it like I see it, and my glasses on
but most of y'all don't get the picture 'less the flash is on
satisfied with nothing, you don't know the half of it
Young Money, Cash Money
paper chasing, tell that paper, "Look, I'm right behind ya"
bitch, real G's move in silence like lasagna
people say I'm borderline crazy, sorta kinda
woman of my dreams, I don't sleep so I can't find her
you niggas are gelatin, peanuts to an elephant
I got through that sentence like a subject and a predicate
yeah, with a swag you would kill for
money too strong, pockets on bodybuilder
jumped in a wishing well, now wish me well
tell 'em kiss my ass, call it kiss and tell
Word to my mama, I'm out of my lima bean
don't wanna see what that drama mean, get some Dramamine
llama scream, hotter than summer sun on a Ghana queen
now all I want is hits, bitch, Wayne signed a fiend
I played the side for you niggas that's tryna front, and see
son of Gunz, Son of Sam, you niggas the son of me
pause for this dumber speech, I glow like Buddha
disturb me, and you'll be all over the flow like Luda
bitch, I flow like scuba, bitch, I'm bald like Cuba
and I keep a killer ho, she gon' blow right through ya
I be macking, 'bout my stacking, now I pack like a mover
shout to ratchet for backing out on behalf of my shooter
niggas think they high as I, I come laugh at your ruler
Cash Money cold, bitch, but our actions is cooler
Wayne, these niggas out they mind
I done told these fuck niggas, so many times
that I keep these bucks steady on my mind
tuck these, I fuck these on your mind, pause
to feed them, on my grind, did I get a little love?
keep throwing my sign in the middle
hit 'em up, piece on my side, 'cause ain't no peace on my side, bitch
I'm a man, I visit urinals abroad
Tune told me to, I'm shooting when the funeral outside
I'm uptown, thoroughbred, a BX nigga, ya heard?
Gunna
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
Excuse my charisma, vodka with a spritzer
swagger down pat, call my shit Patricia
Young Money militia, and I am the commissioner
you don't want start Weezy, 'cause the F is for Finisher
so misunderstood, but what's a World without enigma?
two bitches at the same time, synchronized swimmers
got the girl twisted 'cause she open when you twist her
never met the bitch, but I fuck her like I missed her
life is the bitch, and death is her sister
sleep is the cousin, what a fuckin' family picture
you know father time, we all know mother nature
it's all in the family, but I am of no relation
no matter who's buying, I'm a celebration
black and white diamonds, fuck segregation
fuck that shit, my money up, you niggas just Honey Nut
Young Money running shit and you niggas just runner-ups
I don't feel I done enough, so I'ma keep on doing this shit
Lil Tunechi or Young Tunafish
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
Six-foot, seven-foot, eight-foot bunch
I'm going back in
okay, I lost my mind, it's somewhere out there stranded
I think you stand under me if you don't understand me
had my heart broken by this woman named Tammy
but hoes gon' be hoes, so I couldn't blame Tammy
just talked to moms, told her she the sweetest
I beat the beat up, call it self defense
swear man, I be seeing through these niggas like sequins
niggas think they He-Men, pow, pow, the end
talking to myself because I am my own consultant
married to the money, fuck the world, that's adultery
you full of shit, you close your mouth and let yo ass talk
young Money eating, all you haters do is add salt
stop playing, bitch, I got this game on deadbolt
mind so sharp, I fuck around and cut my head off
real nigga all day and tomorrow
but these muthafuckas talking crazy like they jaw broke
glass half empty, half full, I'll spill ya
try me and run into a wall, outfielder
You know I'ma ball 'til they turn off the field lights
the fruits of my labor, I enjoy 'em while they still ripe
bitch, stop playing, I do it like a king do
if these niggas animals, then I'ma have a mink soon
tell 'em bitches I say put my name on the wall
I speak the truth, but I guess that's a foreign language to y'all
and I call it like I see it, and my glasses on
but most of y'all don't get the picture 'less the flash is on
satisfied with nothing, you don't know the half of it
Young Money, Cash Money
paper chasing, tell that paper, "Look, I'm right behind ya"
bitch, real G's move in silence like lasagna
people say I'm borderline crazy, sorta kinda
woman of my dreams, I don't sleep so I can't find her
you niggas are gelatin, peanuts to an elephant
I got through that sentence like a subject and a predicate
yeah, with a swag you would kill for
money too strong, pockets on bodybuilder
jumped in a wishing well, now wish me well
tell 'em kiss my ass, call it kiss and tell
Word to my mama, I'm out of my lima bean
don't wanna see what that drama mean, get some Dramamine
llama scream, hotter than summer sun on a Ghana queen
now all I want is hits, bitch, Wayne signed a fiend
I played the side for you niggas that's tryna front, and see
son of Gunz, Son of Sam, you niggas the son of me
pause for this dumber speech, I glow like Buddha
disturb me, and you'll be all over the flow like Luda
bitch, I flow like scuba, bitch, I'm bald like Cuba
and I keep a killer ho, she gon' blow right through ya
I be macking, 'bout my stacking, now I pack like a mover
shout to ratchet for backing out on behalf of my shooter
niggas think they high as I, I come laugh at your ruler
Cash Money cold, bitch, but our actions is cooler
Wayne, these niggas out they mind
I done told these fuck niggas, so many times
that I keep these bucks steady on my mind
tuck these, I fuck these on your mind, pause
to feed them, on my grind, did I get a little love?
keep throwing my sign in the middle
hit 'em up, piece on my side, 'cause ain't no peace on my side, bitch
I'm a man, I visit urinals abroad
Tune told me to, I'm shooting when the funeral outside
I'm uptown, thoroughbred, a BX nigga, ya heard?
Gunna
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
HIM
Thank you for supporting me no matter what I choose to do. It may be something dumb, it may be something extravagant, or you may just know that it'll fail. It means a lot to me that you have my back no matter what and that you're honest. I love you very much and I hope that you always know how grateful I am to you.
;)
I'm so excited! I got the job at the vintage boutique. The interview was so unconventional; the owner and I walked around downtown Portsmouth and just talked about fashion, music, and life in general. I told her that I really love it here so far and hopefully this job will help me love it even more by branching out and meeting new people. I'm so happy that I got the job I really wanted just by being myself and not by being someone else. I'm also glad that I'll be making my own money ($10 per hour), even though it's only for a few days a week. I get to be completely myself at this new job. I'm so stoked.
Bitter Sweet
His mom left today. I complained the entire time she was here (18 days) but now that they just left for the airport, it's a bit lonely. You would think I would be having a small party inside of my head but yeah..I'm not.
I started working on the marketing job yesterday for fire department inspections but I still don't really know if it's something that is entirely legit. He did send me a trifold pamphlet with his information and his partner's but still, it's kinda weird. He just put me to work without asking any questions and then told me that we would have a sales meeting on Friday (two days away) to figure out how to market the inspection team. I have no problem doing any of it, it's pretty simple but I just don't want to waste my time doing it and it turn out to be nothing.
On the other hand, I go to the vintage store at 2:45 today to meet with the owner!!! Hopefully that means that I have that job in the bag because that is the one that I really want. Even if Liberty Mutual eventually works out, I can still do this job on the weekends.
It's too early for this. I'm tired, didn't sleep, I look like shit, blah blah blah. Today should be interesting to say the least though...three job offers isn't half bad.
I started working on the marketing job yesterday for fire department inspections but I still don't really know if it's something that is entirely legit. He did send me a trifold pamphlet with his information and his partner's but still, it's kinda weird. He just put me to work without asking any questions and then told me that we would have a sales meeting on Friday (two days away) to figure out how to market the inspection team. I have no problem doing any of it, it's pretty simple but I just don't want to waste my time doing it and it turn out to be nothing.
On the other hand, I go to the vintage store at 2:45 today to meet with the owner!!! Hopefully that means that I have that job in the bag because that is the one that I really want. Even if Liberty Mutual eventually works out, I can still do this job on the weekends.
It's too early for this. I'm tired, didn't sleep, I look like shit, blah blah blah. Today should be interesting to say the least though...three job offers isn't half bad.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
CHOICES!!!!
I revamped my resume a few days ago and reposted it last night. I also walked into a vintage clothing store the other day and have a lunch date with the owner tomorrow afternoon. So back to the resume...I have two offers..to work for Liberty Mutual as an executive or to work as a freelance marketing assistant for the New England Fire Department. They are all actually really good choices. I have already started work on the marketing job because the dude is going to pay me up front in a lump sum and from there I can be promoted to a marketing exec. could be a great thing. I have always wanted to work in a vintage clothing store and it kills me because I might not get to so I think I'm going to take both jobs. If for some reason Liberty Mutual calls me back too....oh my god..then what? I will have to drop one of them. Maybe I can just tell the marketing guy that I can only finish this short contract thing and then I will have to move back to FL. I just can't pass up LM or the vintage place....money does talk though.
The sad part about all of this is is that I haven't told Kellen ANYTHING yet. Granted LM is up in the air and so is the vintage place but I figure since I'm going to lunch with her tomorrow I think I'm in. We shall see but I don't like using his money anymore, it's starting to bother me...I feel like a bother in general...I probably shouldn't because I do a lot for him but still, everyone wants their own money.
Maybe I can do all three jobs. The marketing stuff at night, the vintage place on the weekends, and LM during the week....$$$$$$ I think I could probably manage it...then I could save $$$
Ugh so many choices!!! I'm really glad though. Let's just see what the man says.
The sad part about all of this is is that I haven't told Kellen ANYTHING yet. Granted LM is up in the air and so is the vintage place but I figure since I'm going to lunch with her tomorrow I think I'm in. We shall see but I don't like using his money anymore, it's starting to bother me...I feel like a bother in general...I probably shouldn't because I do a lot for him but still, everyone wants their own money.
Maybe I can do all three jobs. The marketing stuff at night, the vintage place on the weekends, and LM during the week....$$$$$$ I think I could probably manage it...then I could save $$$
Ugh so many choices!!! I'm really glad though. Let's just see what the man says.
Insane
So, I'm really not sure if PMS is really kicking my butt or if he is starting to lose his mind. He forgets everything. Random forgetfulness is fine and dandy but forgetting an ENTIRE weekend kinda sucks. We had sex last night for the first time in a long time and this morning I made a comment about it and he looked at me like I had lost my mind. He completely did not remember having sex at all. Awesome.
His mom goes home early, early tomorrow morning. I'm scared that when she leaves his issue, whatever that may be, will get worse. It's pretty bad that I've wanted her to leave since the day she got here and now I'm scared that he is going to go downhill. I don't know what to do.
I love him but there are A LOT of things that we have to work out.
*cross fingers*
His mom goes home early, early tomorrow morning. I'm scared that when she leaves his issue, whatever that may be, will get worse. It's pretty bad that I've wanted her to leave since the day she got here and now I'm scared that he is going to go downhill. I don't know what to do.
I love him but there are A LOT of things that we have to work out.
*cross fingers*
Monday, August 22, 2011
Hm
The past few days have been pretty up and down. He's been spoiling me; new purse new clothes, money everyday, and he always asks what I want. All I really want is for us to not fight and four our life to grow smoothly. I make it sound terrible but it's not the only part of him that I don't like is that he's not sexual enough and I guess I either deal with it or workwith him on it.
Last Rant
Ok. I have my own car in Florida, Lucy Lou who I love to death. I have my own car insurance in my own name but my mom is the registered owner of the vehicle. If I have ONE more fucking thing about the goddamn car I swear I will scream and tell her to shove it where to sun don't shine. I got the worst attitude with her earlier because she was arguing with my own car insurance company...are you fucking kidding me. STOP SCHEMING, STOP BEING CRAZY, STOP TREATING YOUR 23 YEAR OLD SON LIKE HE'S 5!!!! If she wasn't leaving in a few days I don't think I would be able to handle it. I really dont....
HELLO KITTY!!!
I am a Hello Kitty freak and I would love to own everything related however...there are somethings that are ridiculous...(I still kindof want them though)
Love this ^^^^^^^^
So I pretty much take all of my previous statements back...I want all of theses things!!! Especially the contact case, the beer, and the wine :)
What is truly going on here?
This past weekend has been pretty great. We took his mom out to Portsmouth and we went to a really nice dinner and a really cute shopping spree. He bought me many things and you really can't buy me, you can't buy love but sometimes it's just nice to be pampered.
Last week I found out that his ex-fiancee Meghan is now married. I felt like he needed to know, whether it made him sad or angry. He took it pretty well, I guess as anyone would that found out the girl they lost found someone else forever. I told him yesterday that I hoped that one day I could be the only girl that has his heart, I mean truly have have his heart..no response from him...well maybe one day. I can understand that she was the girl he fell for and that she was the one that he really wanted but I know that I'm extremely important to him.
He and I we went to Hampton Beach last night just to blow off steam, get some drinks, and play arcade games. We drank on the way down there and that was fun..but when we got there he got into a sullen mood. I tried my best to act like an idiot so that he would laugh or something but he just kinda looked at me and forced a smile. I then joked with him about having sex in the car (since his mom is here) and he thought it was funny. Later on he was angry that I kept bringing up sex. I also asked him why he gets so sad sometimes, why he looks so depressed at odd moments and why his eyes look so full of pain. He said that he's not sad but I know that he is because his mom isn't doing very well. There are many things that I know about her that he doesn't because she doesn't want to worry him but it hurts my heart because I don't know what I would do if it was my grandma.
The last conversation of yesterday was that I wasn't going to bring sex up again, I told him "I'm always here if you want me". Which is very selfless of me since there are two people in a relationship, not one. It just makes life a little bit easier because he gets so annoyed.
I put in a job application in a vintage boutique yesterday *cross fingers* !!!
Last week I found out that his ex-fiancee Meghan is now married. I felt like he needed to know, whether it made him sad or angry. He took it pretty well, I guess as anyone would that found out the girl they lost found someone else forever. I told him yesterday that I hoped that one day I could be the only girl that has his heart, I mean truly have have his heart..no response from him...well maybe one day. I can understand that she was the girl he fell for and that she was the one that he really wanted but I know that I'm extremely important to him.
He and I we went to Hampton Beach last night just to blow off steam, get some drinks, and play arcade games. We drank on the way down there and that was fun..but when we got there he got into a sullen mood. I tried my best to act like an idiot so that he would laugh or something but he just kinda looked at me and forced a smile. I then joked with him about having sex in the car (since his mom is here) and he thought it was funny. Later on he was angry that I kept bringing up sex. I also asked him why he gets so sad sometimes, why he looks so depressed at odd moments and why his eyes look so full of pain. He said that he's not sad but I know that he is because his mom isn't doing very well. There are many things that I know about her that he doesn't because she doesn't want to worry him but it hurts my heart because I don't know what I would do if it was my grandma.
The last conversation of yesterday was that I wasn't going to bring sex up again, I told him "I'm always here if you want me". Which is very selfless of me since there are two people in a relationship, not one. It just makes life a little bit easier because he gets so annoyed.
I put in a job application in a vintage boutique yesterday *cross fingers* !!!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
$$$
We went to the submarine museum thing yesterday and he showed me the inside of the sub. The tiny bunks, the tiny kitchen, the engine room etc. Made my heart hurt that people have to live inside of them for months at a time..it's disgusting. I don't think one's mind can ever come back from that. When we were near the engine room he said that he was sitting there when they were told that they were going out to sea sooner than anticipated. He told me that that was the patrol that his life was ruined. He finally admitted to me why he did everything he did in the Navy. He said that Meghan had 90% to do with his fall from grace, that she hurt him more than he thought anyone could. I then told him that she's married now. I told him that I was hesitant to tell him because I didn't want to hurt him. He told me that he didn't care, that she was a long time ago and everything is fine now.
I also made the point to tell him that I love him very much and that everything he does I am proud of him.
Here comes the obnoxious part.
I had to ask him for $200 yesterday so that I could go grocery shopping and get some stuff before his mom goes home. At first he said yes that's fine, then a few hours later he asked me why I needed that much and that food doesn't cost that much and that I don't need all of that. He finally gave it to me but still. Then I told him that for my birthday I want a Keurig, which is kinda expensive but that's all I want. He said no. WTF. After bitching about not having any money he then wanted to buy a brand new Droid. Are you joking? Even though I made a point to say many times that I hate asking him for money, he said he didn't mind...if you really don't mind..you don't act that way.
I love him, I really do but I need to find a job so that I don't have to depend on him at least monitarily.
I also made the point to tell him that I love him very much and that everything he does I am proud of him.
Here comes the obnoxious part.
I had to ask him for $200 yesterday so that I could go grocery shopping and get some stuff before his mom goes home. At first he said yes that's fine, then a few hours later he asked me why I needed that much and that food doesn't cost that much and that I don't need all of that. He finally gave it to me but still. Then I told him that for my birthday I want a Keurig, which is kinda expensive but that's all I want. He said no. WTF. After bitching about not having any money he then wanted to buy a brand new Droid. Are you joking? Even though I made a point to say many times that I hate asking him for money, he said he didn't mind...if you really don't mind..you don't act that way.
I love him, I really do but I need to find a job so that I don't have to depend on him at least monitarily.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
RANT
So his mom has been here for 10 days visiting us..um...
Her being here has thrown off our personal routine, we don't kiss that much, we don't have sex (the one time we did she snooped), and we don't have any real alone time. It is just a phase that will pass and it really isn't a big deal but....
He looks at porn and jerks it all the time now! I guess I'm just ranting because my period is approaching and because I wish I could have sex with him ugh and I know that I can't until she leaves in 7 more days. I guess porn annoys every girl so I know I'm not the only one that feels this way but I just can't bring myself to say anything to him because it is SO stupid. It's a dumb self-esteem problem..."oh, well if he's looking at porn, he obviously doesn't want me" or "the girls in the videos he watches are way prettier or better than me". I know neither one is true and I know that he only does it because we can't act the way we would like to but still I would like to walk up and say to him "just because we can't have sex it doesn't mean you can jerk it all the time when I'm sitting here dying". A bit dramatic but whatever.
Her being here has thrown off our personal routine, we don't kiss that much, we don't have sex (the one time we did she snooped), and we don't have any real alone time. It is just a phase that will pass and it really isn't a big deal but....
He looks at porn and jerks it all the time now! I guess I'm just ranting because my period is approaching and because I wish I could have sex with him ugh and I know that I can't until she leaves in 7 more days. I guess porn annoys every girl so I know I'm not the only one that feels this way but I just can't bring myself to say anything to him because it is SO stupid. It's a dumb self-esteem problem..."oh, well if he's looking at porn, he obviously doesn't want me" or "the girls in the videos he watches are way prettier or better than me". I know neither one is true and I know that he only does it because we can't act the way we would like to but still I would like to walk up and say to him "just because we can't have sex it doesn't mean you can jerk it all the time when I'm sitting here dying". A bit dramatic but whatever.
Friday, August 05, 2011
I miss my family, I miss my friends, and I miss Jacksonville. It gets worse everyday; I wake up and think that it will be better but as the day goes on I just get more sad. He comes home so tired and all I want to do is let him sleep and go to the airport to fly home. I truly thought that since the first month was good that I wouldn't be homesick at all, it's actually worse than I thought. I feel stifled, sad, empty. I don't want him to know how bad it is because I know that he will just send me home and I really don't know if he and I will be ok after that. I would like to think that everything will work out just fine between us, that our relationship is worth all of this hardship and lonliness but sometimes I just really don't know. I don't bring up sex anymore because it annoys him, I don't bring up home because he will just fly me back and that will be the end, I don't talk about my family because he just gets annoyed with them as well, so I pretty much don't talk about much of anything anymore.
I do love the kid, if I truly didn't I would be back in Florida as we speak, but since I do love him I am willing to deal with all of the pain of being homesick and deal with the stifled, sad feeling just so that this relationship could potentially work.
I do love the kid, if I truly didn't I would be back in Florida as we speak, but since I do love him I am willing to deal with all of the pain of being homesick and deal with the stifled, sad feeling just so that this relationship could potentially work.
Vows
Last night we went into Portsmouth for dinner. The Portsmouth Brewery with tons of beer of course hah..or one and one half for me, kinda like tons. So he talks a lot when he drinks and he said "don't take this the wrong way but when I was walking out to the car today I thought 'if I were to marry this girl, what would I say as my vows'". Hmm. It was really sweet, definitely not ready for that but it was still really cute.
On the other hand. I'm sure down in the dumps today. During dinner he told me that he almost left me a few times because I wasn't over Josh and Shane was still talking to me. Forgive me for not being perfect. Granted I should have known better. When we got home after dinner he was talking about Leslie and how much he loved her and how absolutely gorgeous he thought she was, blah blah blah. It did hurt my feelings a lot because I feel like I can't compete with that. Even though I'm not married with two kids, I have two college degrees, and I moved up here with him....but still she was the prettiest girl at Snyder and I was by far not. It makes me really sad and honestly I don't even want to get out of bed today.
I feel like I've done everything to make him happy, to make our relationship work but sometimes I still don't feel good enough. I still feel like the ugly duckling who he can leave at any minute. Now that he has his life back on track I'm afraid that he will rethink our relationship and send me home. That would break me into a million tiny pieces and I don't know how I could be ok with that. I really am stronger than this, I really do have more going for me than sitting here wallowing in "what if he leaves me" thoughts, but right now...it's my biggest fear.
On the other hand. I'm sure down in the dumps today. During dinner he told me that he almost left me a few times because I wasn't over Josh and Shane was still talking to me. Forgive me for not being perfect. Granted I should have known better. When we got home after dinner he was talking about Leslie and how much he loved her and how absolutely gorgeous he thought she was, blah blah blah. It did hurt my feelings a lot because I feel like I can't compete with that. Even though I'm not married with two kids, I have two college degrees, and I moved up here with him....but still she was the prettiest girl at Snyder and I was by far not. It makes me really sad and honestly I don't even want to get out of bed today.
I feel like I've done everything to make him happy, to make our relationship work but sometimes I still don't feel good enough. I still feel like the ugly duckling who he can leave at any minute. Now that he has his life back on track I'm afraid that he will rethink our relationship and send me home. That would break me into a million tiny pieces and I don't know how I could be ok with that. I really am stronger than this, I really do have more going for me than sitting here wallowing in "what if he leaves me" thoughts, but right now...it's my biggest fear.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Homesick
I miss Florida so much. I really thought that I would never miss that miserable state, but...I would pretty much start walking home now I miss it so much.
The next location could possibly be Austin, TX and Samsung could be the next job for him. At least it would be back in the south and not in the butthole north. I hate New Hampshire...it's just not the south.
I started crying last night because I miss home so much and his response was to offer me a plane ticket home. I feel like if I went home I would be leaving him and I don't want that at all.
His mom is super sick and he's afraid that she is going to die before he sees her again so he is flying her up here to stay with us to see Tom Tam. Not to be selfish here but he works all the time and I will be in the two room hotel suite with her 24/7. Not ideal, but I can't go home.
The next location could possibly be Austin, TX and Samsung could be the next job for him. At least it would be back in the south and not in the butthole north. I hate New Hampshire...it's just not the south.
I started crying last night because I miss home so much and his response was to offer me a plane ticket home. I feel like if I went home I would be leaving him and I don't want that at all.
His mom is super sick and he's afraid that she is going to die before he sees her again so he is flying her up here to stay with us to see Tom Tam. Not to be selfish here but he works all the time and I will be in the two room hotel suite with her 24/7. Not ideal, but I can't go home.
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