Honestly

So, I knew that this new life that I started with him would be stressful but I didn't realize how uncertain it would be. We were in all preparations to go home when I got a message stating that we could be getting extended again up here which is completely fine except for the fact that I had two jobs and now I don't have one at all. It's driving me insane.

I obviously love the kid, I wouldn't be doing any of this if I didn't but ugh. The porn shit is getting old, I'm not going to say anything anymore but it makes me feel like he wants it more than me...retarded.

Ugh.

Lately I have been terrified of being pregnant..so dramatic.. I still don't know if I am or not but I'm trying not to stress out about it because if I do turn out to be pregnant that is truly what is supposed to happen in my life. It is still really scary.

So, I got fired from the store today because I don't have enough retail experience, which is okay because we are moving away next week anyway.

Stressed out! I don't know where we are going next..Kentucky, Virginia...home..who knows. It might be scary to some but I'm actually not scared about moving around it makes life more fun..the scary part is the beginning sentence of this post.

I'm a little bit sad today. I have no idea where my life is going. I had two jobs at the beginning of this week now I don't have any. Sometimes I feel like I don't do anything..in reality I know that I do but it's still scary and fairly depressing.

7 months

We celebrated our 7 month anniversary a couple of days ago..crazy.  More has happened in the past 7 months than the past 7 years before him. I got to thinking and I truly believe these have been the best 7 months so far in my life. I've done so many things outside of my comfort zone that it freaks me out sometimes (in a good way).

There have been some bad things and bad times along our short road but everything happens for a reason and I am so very proud =).

Family

My grandparents got in on Thursday the 15th and it is currently Monday the 19th and they are driving me nuts. I love that they came up here, I love that I got to spend my birthday with the three people that mean the most, and I love that they get to be away from the home drama for awhile..but damn they can get on my nerves...I think that they be the only people that can annoy me as much as they can.

Today is their last whole day here so I really want to show them everything that I can..I'm sad to see them leave tomorrow but on the bright side we will be home again in two weeks so it isn't that long without them.

His contract got dropped so we will be departing back to Jax on Sept 30th..it's bittersweet because that means I have to quit two jobs but it's ok. I miss home and the apartment and I know that he does too. SO DUUUVAL is in the near future for us.

24th Birthday!

So as the title states it is my 24th birthday! Since we moved away from home and our families my priorities have been less on myself and more on our lives and our future. Today is all about me again! My grandparents got in yesterday and I literally have not been so happy in my entire life. We walked into their room and we were both attacked with hugs and kisses, it was so great.

Today I'm taking my grandparents around town so we can shop and so they can see the most of the city before they have to leave.

I'm thinking that I will take them to the mall, the thrift store, walmart, target, blue moose, my store....

Tomorrow...His soccer game,  Prescott Park, walk around the town again,  the shipyard, Hampton Beach, bowling...

Sunday...dunno haha.. I'm so happy they're here!

F

Fuck the past.

Fuck depression.

Fuck esteem.

Fuck haters.

Fuck how I feel right now.

Slackin'

I've been slacking the past few days. I could say that I've been working a lot and that I've been really busy but I really haven't.

I have however been doing a lot of thinking about everything. I have to call my apartment complex and break the lease. Makes me really sad since it was my first home and it hurts to see it go but I know that if I want to stay with him and keep my life going ahead then it must be done.

I've been working almost every night at the store, it's pretty boring but I do get to see really great clothes, meet great new people, and work on my modeling.

Modeling...so I posted some pictures on modelmayhem.com and have been getting bookings a ton so far..I haven't gone to any because I'm scared to but still. haha...who knows.

Josh started talking to me again yesterday, I haven't talked to him in a good 5 months, it was weird talking to him again. It makes everything so much harder talking to him again. I don't love him anymore, I love Kellen but still it's always going to be a little bit hard knowing that I broke his heart. Tears still come to my eyes when I think of Josh, not because I'm not with him anymore or because he had my heart at one time but because we did have some good times and I did just throw it all away in one single conversation. I didn't give him a chance at all. Well I did, I gave him years of chances but still.

If I ever have to end a relationship again (I hope that I don't ) I will end it the right way with the least amount of pain.

I don't want to be sad. I want to be happy, to move on, to live my life the way that I should be living it; with no regrets or sadness. The past happened, the future will happen, and today has to be the best that I can possibly make it. I can't cry over spilled milk from years ago.