Last night we went into Portsmouth for dinner. The Portsmouth Brewery with tons of beer of course hah..or one and one half for me, kinda like tons. So he talks a lot when he drinks and he said "don't take this the wrong way but when I was walking out to the car today I thought 'if I were to marry this girl, what would I say as my vows'". Hmm. It was really sweet, definitely not ready for that but it was still really cute.
On the other hand. I'm sure down in the dumps today. During dinner he told me that he almost left me a few times because I wasn't over Josh and Shane was still talking to me. Forgive me for not being perfect. Granted I should have known better. When we got home after dinner he was talking about Leslie and how much he loved her and how absolutely gorgeous he thought she was, blah blah blah. It did hurt my feelings a lot because I feel like I can't compete with that. Even though I'm not married with two kids, I have two college degrees, and I moved up here with him....but still she was the prettiest girl at Snyder and I was by far not. It makes me really sad and honestly I don't even want to get out of bed today.
I feel like I've done everything to make him happy, to make our relationship work but sometimes I still don't feel good enough. I still feel like the ugly duckling who he can leave at any minute. Now that he has his life back on track I'm afraid that he will rethink our relationship and send me home. That would break me into a million tiny pieces and I don't know how I could be ok with that. I really am stronger than this, I really do have more going for me than sitting here wallowing in "what if he leaves me" thoughts, but right now...it's my biggest fear.
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